I can’t imagine that there will come a day that I won’t be their “momma”, I won’t be the one cuddling them to sleep or laughing with them. The knowledge that I may not be the one to teach them to ride a bike or take them to their first day of kindergarten always remains in the back of my head. There may be a day that I take them to visit their mom for the last time because it will no longer be a visit, it will be forever. There may be a day that I say good bye to our littles, these little people that have changed us all.
My heart breaks at these thoughts. I have grown happily accustomed to the smiles and the laughter. So often I am asked how we will be able to let them go, how are we not attached. We are attached but we do so happily. We are their safe place right now, we are able to provide them love and security and attachment; they deserve the attached family. When they leave a piece of my heart will go too; I will cry and I am sure with every tiny sock that I randomly find or the thought of the wiggly toddlers being buckled into their car seats I may break a little bit more. At the end of the day, our family is better for this experience. We have grown, we have loved in a way I wasn't sure we could and I am excited to see what this journey holds for us.
This weekend we hit the 12 week mark with out little's... that is 3 months of snuggles, laughter, love and 3 months that I've been the one taking care of colds and sickness, administering medication and laughter. 12 weeks as a family of 7. We have settled into life at this point. We have made it past the honeymoon period and moved into what it's like to have 5 kids. This basically means that all the behaviors are full force, both good & bad, but they are authentic. We have been working on parenting each child and their need individually, which is hard at times. There are only 24 hours in the day, we are all out of the house for at least 8, sleep 9-12 (depending on your age), then add in homework and sports... I am reasonably overwhelmed but we are making it all work.
While I could spend every day dwelling on the future I chose not to - I choose to laugh, I am going to love and be grateful for every moment with them... every moment as a party of 7. I will choose to hold close the middle of the snuggles, the scared 'momma help me' tears and the first bike ride in my heart for always. Foster care is a collection of memories and moments forever.